“Kindness is my number one attribute in a human being,”  Roald Dahl says. “I’ll put it before any of the things like courage or bravery or generosity. If you’re kind, that’s it.”

So how do we cultivate kindness, respect, and curiosity in ourselves. Or raise kids like Dahl’s Charlie Bucket or Matilda?

Sometimes our society seems hell-bent on getting our own way at a cost to others.  But we can seek out opportunities to nurture the good and create a  culture of kindness in our own family.  Nurture our connections with family, friends, neighbourhood, community and beyond.

Selflessness – like any behaviour- must be built up. We can train ourselves and our kids to respond to other’s wellbeing, while not thinking too much about whether we’re getting our ‘fair share’.  Boost and build our ‘emotional intelligence’.

Richard Weissbourd is a Harvard psychologist with the graduate school of education, who runs the Making Caring Common project, aimed to help teach kids to be kind.

“Children are not born simply good or bad and we should never give up on them. They need adults who will help them become caring, respectful, and responsible for their communities at every stage of their childhood,” the researchers write.

Why do we need to make caring for others a priority?

Parents tend to prioritise their children’s happiness and achievements over their children’s concern for others. But children need to learn to balance their needs with the needs of others, whether it’s passing the ball to a teammate or deciding to stand up for friend who is being bullied, Weissbourd explains.

How?  

Children need to hear from parents that caring for others is a top priority. A big part of that is holding children to high ethical expectations, such as honouring their commitments, even if it makes them unhappy. For example, before kids quit a sports-team, band, or a friendship, we should ask them to consider their obligations to the group or the friend and encourage them to work out problems before quitting.

Instead of saying to your kids: “The most important thing is that you’re happy,” explains Weissbourd, say “The most important thing is that you’re kind.”   Roald Dahl would concurr.